life

Well it’s been awhile since the last time I’ve blogged. Here it goes…I’m with the love of my life but I’m not sure what to believe anymore  because it seems like I’m just told what I want to hear. Here’s some news buddy “talk is cheap” I want the actions to follow, I want love to mean something. I want to know that when you tell me you are NOT doing something or will Not do something that you won’t go back on your words. Words aren’t much and actions speak louder but together if they don’t match up then neither mean squat. I keep going back in my mind to when we first met. To when things were almost euphoric and perfect, and your smile could light up the room by the way that you would smile at me when I walked into a room. Where did that all go? How can I get you back? How will I ever know if you mean it? I don’t know, but I do know that you love me. And I will always love you but this crap you’re pulling isn’t going to last long or we won’t. I know ultimatums aren’t great but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve made you promise and you break them, I’ve made you give me you’re word and you break it, I’m just so lost, I’m questioning things I shouldn’t have to with someone that I’m engaged to. Right? I bid thee goodnight. <3 

So there have been so many things that have happened through this year, but I think the first time that I actually realized what was going on in my life was tonite… On this beautiful fall night I walked alone, there was only the slight breeze and the dark that falllowed me out in the middle of worcester. It felt nice to be alone but it felt ever so lonely and I hated it…I wanted someone to be with me but I did not want to talk at all, I just wanted to walk everywhere and nowhere at the same time, I wanted to run but I knew it would hurt, I wanted to smoke but I quit, I wanted not to think but too many thoughts were running through my mind.

I love myself, but I hate who I am, I wish that I could go back to when nothing mattered and I could just stay out late walking along the street and be with friends who actually cared, who actually enjoyed laughing with me, who didn’t care that I would never be perfect and were ok with it. I feel like everyone is watching, everyone is trying to read me…THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE, gawd I hate how i sound, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate how everyone says they “love” me but they really don’t, they just think they do. It seems like I’m always the one thiat gives my heart out, but it is never truely reciprocated.

I’ve never been one to accept things that I can not change!

How come you never say anything anymore? How come you always feel lost but it seems that you never come to me ever, you never have and you never will…I hate we are supposed to be so close but  we are so not…I”m only told things from others and you ONLY tell me things about others, it’s pretty messed up don’t you think? W.E I love you too sis.

“I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not, I’m far from lonely and it’s all that got”

~The Used~

Funny how The Used has songs that I can relate to on such a personal level. Does that mean I’m part of “the used”…

I don’t really know but sometimes it really feels like I’m being used by everyone and everything. I’m nothing but here, now and then. It doesn’t really matter what I think, want or feel, I’m still stuck living my life based off of what everyone else wants, because I care THAT much. 

Sometimes I really don’t know what to do or how to feel about the situations I seem to get myself thrown into. I wish I had a magic eight-ball that could just tell me how to live my life..Maybe then I would get hurt all the time…or maybe this is just what I’m destined to go through… the saying does go:

“There hath no temp­ta­tion taken you but such as is com­mon to man: but God is faith­ful, who will not suf­fer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temp­ta­tion also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. ”

I hate how every time I come on this stupid blog site I feel like I’m missing so much, not that I want to be in the middle of what has been happening, but I don’t feel like I have a sister anymore. I have a person I call my sister, a person that USED to be there for me, that I USED to help out and stay up late with, and clean with, and laugh with and cry with and just do alot of nothing with. I cry every time I miss her, which is alot, and I cry every time I read her posts. She is so much better than all this shit I keep reading. I always looked up to her because it seemed no matter how hard things got she was ok. No matter how many times “I hate you!” came out we both knew it wasnt true. I hate how the first time I ever heard “I love you” come out of her mouth was when she moved, how I almost didn’t say goodbye because of my selfish reason of not wanting her to go. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. I feel gypt! I lost my sister and I lost my neices and nephews, I will never get to see them grow up, I will see them all grown up. I don’t like how my life has changed so much and she will never know everything because there is just not enough time to tell her things and I hate texting person events and she never answers her phone (any of thing) which becomes a chore calling everyone in her household that has a cell phone in hopes that she is near them and I might get five minutes of her time to hear a voice that sometimes my mind can’t even remember what it sounds like. I wish she was here. I wish the reason I am crying wasn’t because she’s not here, but it is. 

Well as soon as life seems like it’s looking up and my past is in the past something always seems to pop back up. I was informed that a chicka that made high school a living hell for me is dating the roommate of a guy I really like. I can’t sleep and it’s really bugging me cause she is so immature and is talking crap about me AGAIN! Why can’t I ever just be happy? Am I being followed by some evil troll that knows when I’m happy and tracks down those that make my life suck so they can just appear in it again and again? Things are going to get ridiculous, I just know it!

“There’s always something different going wrong, the path I walk is in the wrong direction, there’s always someone **** hanging on, can anybody help me make things better? Tears don’t fall they crash around me….”

~Bullet for my valentine - tears don’t fall~

I want my life to be okay again, I want to be happy and stay happy, I want anyone that’s goal is to mess my life up to just go away, forever, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their problems, why dwell on past events that don’t even have anything to do with you…huh? seriously dude i do not get it at all.